I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.