I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.