I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.