Emo Philips Quotes

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.