On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.

You can do anything you want, as long as it works.