I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It's not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.

It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.

You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.

For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.