I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes very easy.

The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal as someone like Marc Maron or a lot of comedians, but they are essentially my life and my interpretation of it.