I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).

I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.

You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.