What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.