The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.

People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.