Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.

I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.