One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.

The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.

Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.