You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.

Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?

I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say "nihilism?" You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?