You are not fully dressed until you wear a smile.

An instrument that sometimes expresses thought, sometimes obscures thought, but most often replaces thought.

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.

A homosexual is the only man who ever meets a man he would like to marry if he were a woman.

The tongue is the only muscle in the human body that never gets tired [talking].

Compare what you want with what you have, and you'll be unhappy; compare what you deserve with what you have, and you'll be happy.

Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either.