Evan Esar Quotes

Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.

Divorce is the key that opens the strongbox where the bonds of matrimony are kept under wedlock.

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

We can't do much about the length of our lives, but we can do plenty about it's width and depth.

Some women get divorces on the grounds of incompatibility; others, on just the first two syllables.

[A mathematician is a] scientist who can figure out anything except such simple things as squaring the circle and trisecting an angle.

The car was invented as a convenient place to sit out traffic jams

Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - and Jill a wealthy widow.

Some couples divorce because of a misunderstandin g; others, because they understand each other too well.

Life is a game played on us while we are playing other games.

Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either.

Egocentricity: The vanity that makes you wonder what people are thinking about you when they are really wondering what you are thinking about them.

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

Ego: The only thing that can keep growing without nourishment.

Experience is a great teacher, and sometimes a pretty teacher is a great experience.

The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.

The man who has a girl in every port is not a sailor but a wholesaler.

A dollar saved is a dollar earned but seldom vice versa.

The lecturer who is full of his subject is usually very slow in emptying himself.

The cat: an animal that's so unpredictable, you can never tell in advance how it will ignore you the next time.

Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions-because they know all the answers.

An instrument that sometimes expresses thought, sometimes obscures thought, but most often replaces thought.

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.

Egotist: 1. A person who is his own best friend. 2. An I specialist. 3. A man whose opinions all change, except the one he has of himself.

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing.

Reactionary: One who wants the rules enforced so nobody can take his pile away from him the way he got it from others.

The computer saves man a lot of guesswork, but so does the bikini.

Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor's new one.

Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.

You are not fully dressed until you wear a smile.

This may be the age of automation, but love is still being made by hand.

Eloquence is the art of saying as little as possible but making it sound as much as possible.

Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them.

Admiration: Our feeling of delight that another person resembles us.

The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother.

After wisdom comes wit.

A homosexual is the only man who ever meets a man he would like to marry if he were a woman.

Divorce is the price people play for playing with matches.

Some members of Congress ought to have their mouths taped instead of their speeches.

A lecturer often makes you feel dumb at one end and numb at the other.

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.

Some people blow their top, but all people blow their bottom.

In elections, the undecided vote is usually the deciding factor.

Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.

A vacation is like love - anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia.

Good teachers cost a lot; but, poor teachers cost a lot more.

Somebody is always doing something that somebody else said couldn't be done.