Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor's new one.

The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

A homosexual is the only man who ever meets a man he would like to marry if he were a woman.

Egocentric: A person who has his I's too close together.

The man who has a girl in every port is not a sailor but a wholesaler.

We can't do much about the length of our lives, but we can do plenty about it's width and depth.

Reactionary: One who wants the rules enforced so nobody can take his pile away from him the way he got it from others.