I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.