I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.