I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.