The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.