The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn't writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people's moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.