The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.