My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.