You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs just for the drugs. After a while, I just became an outcast of the gang because I just liked the drugs. I just wanted to do more drugs, anything you put in my hand.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.