Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.