Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.