I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.