Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.

If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.