Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.
You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.
While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.
If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.
I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.
I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.