A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.