A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.