I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.