I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.