My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.