My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.