My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.