Showing up at school already able to read is like showing up at the undertaker's already embalmed: people start worrying about being put out of their jobs.

If you ever meet someone who cannot understand why solitary confinement is considered punishment, you have met a misanthrope.

The American woman's concept of marriage is a clearly etched picture of something uninflated on the floor. A sleeping-bag withoutair, a beanbag without beans, a padded bra without pads. To work on it, you start pumping--what the magazines call "breathing life into your marriage." Do enough of this and the marriage becomes a kind of Banquo's ghost, a quasi-living entity.

Never look on the bright side. The glare is blinding.

There is more sexism in a year's worth of movies than actually exists in a woman's entire lifetime.

Why do I hate people? Who else is there to hate?

For men who want to flee Family Man America and never come back, there is a guaranteed solution: homosexuality is the new French Foreign Legion.