Fran Lebowitz Quotes

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

I stopped taking drugs when I was 19, and who wants to drive a cab around New York with drugs in their car?

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

Science has done absolutely nothing about noise. The worst design flaw in the human body is that you can't close your ears. The reason you can't close your ears is, if a lion was coming, you had to wake up. Today no lions are coming. Beeping trucks are coming. I read the other day that the guy who invented the beep when trucks go backward, he died. I thought: Of course - he dies, I have to listen to it.

Television turned out to be exactly as bad as the most irritating and pedantic intellectuals of the '50s said it was going to be.

Never allow your child to call you by your first name. He hasn't known you long enough.

New York was always more expensive than the other places, even when it was going bankrupt. In other words, in 1971, New York was expensive for someone with no money. For anyone.

I'd like to decide who comes here. I'd like to be the admissions director of New York.

[On parenthood:] You can't change your mind--you know, and say, this isn't working out, let's sell.

When I was young, boys didn't type.