As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

I feel sorry for Obama because he's still got to fight the innate racism of Americans. I mean, did you see his first speech, when he got made President and they put all that bullet proof glass in front of him? I think that shows you how racist America still is. Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.