I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk.

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.