I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.