I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.