I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.