People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!