People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.