It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.