It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.