They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.