They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?