They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.