I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.