Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.

I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.