Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.