Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?