Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.