Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.