A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.

Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.