A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.