I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.

The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four

If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.