I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.

Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.