I have very nice cars. I never get to drive them, because I'm never home.

When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls, so we finish at the same time.

Understand that you don't know it all. You don't know anything yet. What you've been taught is great, but always go with common sense. And don't marry your first love.

I never go perform somewhere alone. I've done that since day one. I've always taken other comics with me.

Being on TV sucks. It's a lot of work. You memorize scripts and then you show up and they change everything. I'm a control freak. When I'm doing stand-up, I say what I want and then I get instant feedback.

I'm not fat. It's just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.

I'm all about showing people that I'm a little messed up, I have a lot of the same problems you have. By exposing myself and putting myself out there, people can relate to me and my act won't grow stale. I mean, nobody wants to hear a comedian say, 'Life is great.'