People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.

When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.