There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?