There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.

Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.