The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.

Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

I believe you can joke about anything.

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.