In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell"

When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.