The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.

I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election