Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.

With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.