Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.

Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way."

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

I did LSD and peyote in the late Sixties, before I got into cocaine. That was concurrent with my change from a straight comic to the album and counterculture period, and those drugs served their purpose. They helped open me up.

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."