Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought that was a waste of time. I'd go out on the street corner and be funny. In a minute.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet.

Religion is the worst thing that ever happened to mankind - the ironic part is that it's presented as a good thing, and its effect is absolutely catastrophic to individuals and to societies.

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.

I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.