Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought that was a waste of time. I'd go out on the street corner and be funny. In a minute.

The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.

Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.

I credit that eight years of grammar school with nourishing me in a direction where I could trust myself and trust my instincts. They gave me the tools to reject my faith. They taught me to question and think for myself and to believe in my instincts to such an extent that I just said, "This is a wonderful fairy tale they have going here, but it's not for me."

I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.

We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best.