If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.