If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.

Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.