If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.

It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That kind of thing makes me happy. The fact that people, in pursuit of a superficial look of health, give themselves a fatal disease. I love it when 'reasoning' human beings think they have figured out how to beat something and it comes right back and kicks them in the nuts. God bless the law of unintended consequences. And the irony is impressive: Healthy people, trying to look healthier, make themselves sick. Good!

Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board'. Well, what the hell is 'pre board'? What does that mean? To get on before you get on?

I set out to become a comedian, and I said in order to do that the first thing I'll do is become a disc jockey and know my pop music. I like it, my voice is good, and I can start out getting confidence without an audience in front of me.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."