At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

Sex criminals. Completely incurable... I suppose you could outlaw religion and these sex crimes would disappear in a generation or two, but we don't have time for rational solutions.

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!